i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Bring me that man meat
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
