I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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