My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
