Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
