So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
