Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
