Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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