hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
