Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
