Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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