Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dignity is for republicans.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
