last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
