Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
