she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
