There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
