Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
