im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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