dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
