We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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