Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
