Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
