Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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