i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
