My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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