oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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