I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
