if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
