My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
