Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
