I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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