How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
