He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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