I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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