yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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