I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
