Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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