Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
