I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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