he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
