I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
