So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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