Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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