you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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