My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
