I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize