Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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