FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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