Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
