Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
