The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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