My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize