Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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