Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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