He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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