If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
