my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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