i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My liver just had a heart attack.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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