hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize