Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
